Why Does My Child Lie So Much?

All parents could share a few stories about their child or children bending the truth once or twice. Donuts weren’t an everyday treat at our house, so the day we brought home a half-dozen Krispy Kremes was a little fun and unexpected. Each of us had one, and later that night, my son had a second. My daughter, on the other hand, announced she was saving hers for the next morning. But when we woke up, the donut box was empty.

My son firmly denied eating his sister’s donut for quite some time. Eventually, after some persistent questioning from me, a storm of shaming, and a wave of frustration, he admitted he had eaten it. While he told the truth in the end, the damage was already done. My reaction didn’t help him value honesty; instead, it taught him to fear the consequences of telling the truth.

If I could go back, I’d handle it with more curiosity and far less intensity. My son is a people pleaser, not a manipulator. His desire to avoid disappointing me was the driving force behind the donut dilemma, not a lack of morality or a failure to understand why lying is wrong.

As you've heard me say many times, "Behaviors Are Needs." When a child is constantly dishonest, it’s usually a sign of something deeper—fear, anxiety, insecurity, or a desire to belong.

Lying is often a normal part of child development. Most kids go through phases of embellishing stories, hiding the truth, trying to save their reputation, or avoiding hard conversations. While persistent or harmful lying can signal deeper concerns, many lies come from simple, relatable reasons.

Common Reasons Children Lie

• To avoid getting in trouble

• To test how you’ll react

• To make a story more exciting

• To experiment with imagination

• To get something they want

• To protect someone’s feelings

• To protect themselves

• To gain social acceptance

• To avoid shame or disappointment

• Lying has become an inappropriate coping skill

There are two critical steps to handling dishonesty and teaching the importance of honesty in your family. These steps take time; consider them to be seeds you plant in a garden that must be nurtured and cared for over time. Be patient, and remember to model what you preach ... all eyes are on you.

Step 1: Get Curious, Not Confrontational

Start by asking yourself:

• What type of lie is this?

• What have we taught our children about lying?

• What emotional need might be behind it?

• Who is the child trying to protect—me, themselves, a friend?

• When do these types of lies typically happen?

Then, gently invite your child into a conversation, preferably during a neutral time, maybe while you're coloring, cooking, or going for a walk. Sometimes, especially with teenagers, talking in the car is a great place to have a low-key conversation. You can begin by saying something you've appreciated over the past few days. "Thanks for consistently helping with the dishes after dinner. I can always count on you to lend a hand. I was wondering what happened a few days ago when you weren't completely honest about what you posted on social media. What made you feel like you needed to lie?"

Be prepared for some pushback or an adverse reaction. Stay open and control your reactions and comments. Remain judgment-free. Be patient if they don't reply right away. Model patience, openness, and grace. Other examples of open-ended questions that encourage conversation:

• What made you want to change that part of the story?

• You’re usually so honest—what do you think happened here?

• At times, people may be untruthful to avoid disappointing others; have you ever felt this way? Why?

• How did it feel to be untruthful? How do you feel now? What would you do differently?

• Have you ever felt like you had to lie to make or keep a friend? When? What advice would you give a younger child if they ever find themselves in this situation?

Connection before correction. Focus on discovery, not discipline. Use your tone and body language to create a judgment-free zone, helping your child or teen receive the information and avoid becoming defensive. Remember, if you want to correct this behavior, change will only come through connection.

Step 2: Support Truth-Telling

Honesty isn't necessarily a natural behavior, especially for younger children. Honesty, like other virtues, must be taught, learned, and eventually desired. A child's need to please you often outweighs their motivation to tell the truth. Kids quickly learn how much you value their good behavior by watching your reactions, especially when you’re proud or pleased. Over time, they may begin to prioritize keeping you happy over being truthful.

It is crucial to discuss the importance of honesty within your family. It is hard to believe, but to a child, honesty is sometimes unrewarding. Quite frequently, we unintentionally unappreciate and overlook honesty because it is expected. Acknowledging and encouraging honest behavior, even during minor, daily interactions, can help children recreate the positive experiences essential for understanding the social norms we all share.

That’s why it’s so important to discuss why honesty is valued in your family. Talking about, noticing, and reinforcing honesty when it occurs, even in small, everyday moments, can help recreate positive experiences for children as they learn the social rules we all live by.

Here are simple strategies to promote honesty in your home or classroom:

1. Be a role model. Show integrity in everyday choices.

2. Talk about honesty regularly. Don’t wait for a problem to start the conversation.

3. Reduce shame. Kids lie to avoid guilt. Help them feel safe when they’re truthful.

4. Stay calm. Reacting with anger fuels defensiveness.

5. Acknowledge honesty. Praise truth-telling, especially when it’s hard. "Thank you for being honest..."

6. Gently correct. “I know that’s not quite what happened—can we talk about it?”

7. Avoid labels. Don’t call them a “liar.” Emphasize that they are capable of telling the truth, even when it’s difficult.

8. Value failure. Show kids how to admit mistakes and move on.

Lying can be frustrating, even alarming. If your child seems to be consistently lying instead of relying on other skills or strategies when something goes wrong, it’s often just a signal that something deeper exists. Our job isn’t to shame or accuse—it’s to get curious, stay calm, and teach our children how truth builds connection and trust, ultimately leading to freedom and independence.